Butterflies Are For Dummies

I am no relationship expert, but there are a few things I've learned in over 15 years of marriage.  My marriage is not perfect.  In fact, I think I am a pretty difficult person to get along with
 -- I am controlling, overbearing, moody and demanding -- a lesser man probably would not have put up with me for this long.  But Mike is no lesser man.  (Be jealous.  Be very jealous.)

There is no secret weapon to successful marriage, but I believe there are a few core ideas that are must do's.  Here is my completely uneducated take on things:

1.  Don't keep score.  Ever.  You will always think you do more than your spouse.  Trust me, he is thinking the same thing.  The truth is, in most marriages with respect, it all works itself out in the end.  If you have kids, you're both usually exhausted.

2.  Don't expect lollipops and rainbows every day or even every week.  Name one person with whom you could spend limitless amounts of time without getting annoyed with them on occasion.  Why would you expect your spouse to be any different?

3.  Wait out the tough times.  You will have problems.  You will fight, and sometimes, you may feel like throwing in the towel.  Respect your marriage enough to give it time.  Remember, this too shall pass.

4.  Don't confuse nerves for passion.  Don't look for butterflies when your searching for the person you want to marry.  I see so many of my single friends who are looking for the wrong things in a spouse.  Butterflies = anxiety, not love or even lust.  Butterflies are your body's way of telling you to run away!  It's a self-defense mechanism.  Don't ignore it.

5.  Be honest with your spouse about how you feel, but use a filter.  This is a tough one for me.  I am a "get to the point" kind of girl.  If you have something to say, spit it out.  I am still learning that a lot of people prefer a bit softer approach.  If your honey is one of those people, respect that.

6.  By the same token, don't feel the need to point out every perceived wrong.  Stop and ask yourself if your "advice" is truly helpful and could make a difference, or if you just want to be "right."  Most of the time, you should just let it go.

7.  Don't feel the need to win every argument.  I'm a lawyer.  It is difficult for me not to automatically go into lawyer mode when things get contentious.  Mike used to have to ask me to stop talking to him like a lawyer.  I'm better, but I have to work on it every day.

8.  Don't let anyone put you in a box.  Mike and I have a pretty nontraditional marriage.  He is more likely to cook dinner and take the kids to the park than I am.  I generally have no desire to have deep conversations about feelings.  It works for us.  Figure out what works for you and do it.  Don't let anyone tell you it's wrong if it's working.

9.  Recognize your need for an ego boost for what it is.  Don't look for it elsewhere and create excuses based on the fact you think your husband is taking you for granted.  Tell him what you need, or better yet, figure out your internal need for attention and fix it.

10.  Want more happiness for your spouse than you want for yourself.  To me, this is most important , but here is the catch -- it only works if both of you feel the same.  If there is a secret to marriage, for me, this is it.  If you both put the other's feelings ahead of your own, how can you possibly fail?

Honestly, I don't know what makes a marriage work or fail.  Every marriage is different and every marriage must find its own way.  These things work for us but we still have to work constantly. 

He is worth it.  Luckily, he thinks I am too.